far from perfect

a greater mission to be these.

2012-02-09T21:53:00.002-07:00

This is....
exactly
what
God
has
been
showing
me
this
week.
<3

What's He been doing in your heart?

(all pictures: Pinterest)

texts.

2012-02-08T08:02:00.003-07:00

Two more suicides in my town this week in addition to a boy in my sister's orchestra who had a heart attack during a wrestling practice last weekend. I just saw another status of another friend of mine having a seriously hard time losing another friend my age.

......

man.

I was having a hard time going to sleep last night. Laying in bed praying and thinking of kids, I kept praying. I got so many prayer requests by text yesterday. My phone kept going off and off and off. I opened up my Bible first thing this morning and it landed on this.

But I will rescue you on that day, declares the LORD; you will not be handed over to those you fear. I will save you; you will not fall by the sword but will escape with your life, because you trust in me, declares the LORD.' "

- Jeremiah 39:17-18

It ended up being my verse of the day that got sent out to over thirty kids by text this morning. Most of all, it helped this heart of mine.

Prayer. that's where my heart is at today.

randomness of the day.

i needed them.

2012-02-04T15:10:00.004-07:00

I am so bad about listening to my voicemails.

Sometimes they will sit there for two or three days before I get to them. My emails can sit even longer. In one of my voicemails, one of my sweet friends was almost crying and asking me to pray. I just stopped what I was doing -

Jesus change me. What have I been doing?

Lately, God has been doing crazy things in my heart. He's been awakening my heart and showing me about the beauty of being alive in Jesus' Love, being fully transparent and being real.

Jesus has been showing me to thrive where I'm at. I don't have to be somewhere else or on the mission field but here. Having a seriously deep heart to heart talk with my thirteen year old brother on the way to school in the morning and then praying together is changing me. Jesus is showing me that I don't need to be in Central America loving on kids (although that's awesome!) but that there are people HERE that need love. Sometimes just saying "hey you are AMAZING and you are loved" and meaning it can make someone's day (at least it makes mine).

Most of all though I've been realizing that all along Jesus kept bringing me all these kids and I thought they just needed Jesus. But Jesus showed me that actually? I needed them and I love them.

Watching my notifications on Facebook turn red of people liking my Bible verse status that don't know Jesus and of people that I have been praying for almost makes me cry. Yet EVEN more is when I get voicemails saying "hey - um I've got this friend? she's going through a rough patch. would you pray..." when they don't even believe in prayer. Jesus is changing MY HEART through them. These are my friends and people that I love.

Recently, I sent one of my sweet friends an email. She has come to me about all this stuff, sharing her struggles, and asking me for prayer while I've been watching God COMPLETELY change her life around. Not me but GOD alone..<3 I sent her a long email just saying how much I have struggled too and that I'm not perfect and that Jesus calls us to something so much greater.

Pressing send on that and hearing her reply made us both cry.
Once again Jesus reminds me I don't need to be perfect. Jesus is calling for something greater.

Jesus is awakening this heart of mine and showing me that He is SO MUCH more than I ever could have imagined... nothing is impossible with Him.

Last week at youth group, a group of us girls went outside and just held hands and prayed for our week and our relationships and that JESUS would just be lifted up and glorified and filled in US and through us.

This is what God has been showing me

and this is what I want to encourage ya'll in..

Place your hand over your heart.

feel that?

That means YOU'RE ALIVE and you're here for a purpose.

I want to listen to voicemails and not let them sit there. GOD IS WORKING. He is working through Bible verses and people and things that we don't even see or KNOW. He's showing me I need them too. We can't change situations but we can pray. Jesus is showing me that prayer changes everything. Most of all - prayer is changing me.

You Lord have never forsaken those who seek You
||psalm 9:10
♥ ♥ ♥

want to live.

2012-02-02T21:57:00.003-07:00

I was driving home from school yesterday and praying for people on my heart. I finished and then turned on the radio, more people came to my mind and so I turned it back down and started praying for people again. Lately, we've been having these Bible verses sent out by text every day. It's been AMAZING to watch God work through a simple text to random people. Last night, I woke up around 4ish and God had it on my heart to pray too. I've been convicted that as a leader at my church, a friend, a sister, a daughter, I need to raise the bar. The way God sees me is way different than I see myself and in that, I want to encourage and love on people in a way that the things that they might forget. I've been realizing just how much I need to serve and lead more not to fulfill this to-do list but because God is calling me to do greater. It is not me who is living but Christ in me. I live by faith and I no longer want to survive... I want to live.

The light of the Gospel is changing me to be genuine with real overflowing joy.

It's the randomness on my heart tonight.
Jesus is enough <3

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20

in the house of God forever.

2012-02-01T08:56:00.001-07:00

<3 <3 <3

every day I spend with you

2012-01-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

is a new best day of my life. you are somebody's reason to smile.
<3

You is Kind.

You is Smart.

You is Important.

-- The Help.

taught how to fly.

2012-01-27T21:36:00.002-07:00

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

-Patrick Overton

I saw this quote tonight while catching up on everything that I've missed on Pinterest lately. I was praying about what to write about next on my blog and two things came up. This quote and a picture. Guess God has something in plan because I honestly have no idea where this post is going. But, we'll see. I pray it encourages you to keep going no matter what you're going through. Love ya'll a whole lot. So thankful to God that we have parts of the body of Christ spread across the world linked tiny web sites in the blog world. It amazes me all the time.

dear Jesus, just please be with this post. Please be with my heart. Help what is on my heart to be shared in this post and with these people. I love you Jesus. Encourage busted hearts with this little piece of love posted tonight. May it be filled with gentleness from my heart. Thank you for every day teaching me how to fly. I want to learn more about You every single day for the rest of my life. I want to be poured out so that You may be glorified through this little piece in one life that You used to change a heart. I am so grateful. In Jesus' Name, amen.

As most all of you know who have been reading this blog for a while, I had a shoulder injury over two years ago that turned into a right side nerve injury and then went into my right arm and finally manifested itself into massive head pain. A long story, countless specialists, stopping the violin, stopping riding horses, MRI's, doctors, weakness, chronic pain... all these things that God used to accomplish a bigger picture than I could have ever dreamed. It was my life for two years. When you live with pain every day that people can't see, it changes you.

One of my best friends came out from California last fall and we took a whole lot of pictures. One of such was during the most wonderful Bible study EVER in a packed Starbucks at the foot of a fourteener in Colorado. It took me back to that day... reminded me of the massive pain. my face being swollen. but I wanted to smile. I was so encouraged in God so full so blessed. I remember not being able to contain it.

it was this very moment.

Just reminded me of everything. The hardest things that ever happen to us are some of the best. Jesus was up to something so much greater than I had imagined with all of this.

I can't explain what living with pain is like. All of us have it in some form or another... some of the emotional and spiritual pain you go through matched if not topped mine. I was praying for so long that Jesus would give me eyes to see hurting. He answers prayer in crazy ways. My head pain came on right after that and although it was awful awful, it began to mold this busted heart of mine. It began to peel away layers of scar tissue that was unhealthy during suffering (kinda like my arm treatments) and showed me just how greatly dependent I was on God.

Guys - some of you have called me and texted me and the things you are telling me has sent me to my knees praying for you, crying for you. I cannot even imagine. Hearing glimpses of your cries to Jesus of desperateness have reminded me just how we're all in this together. We're all empty vessels and completely dependent on God. Without that, we are nothing.

As I write this, one scene keeps coming back to my mind over and over again. It was a Sunday afternoon after church and my head pain was so severe so severe. I was curled up on the sofa in a ball wrapped in a blanket and didn't know what to do. it felt like knives in my head so much and there was nothing I could do. my head was so sensitive and I was STRUGGLING so much. I had never been in so much pain and it was past the point of having emergency meds help me. there was nothing I could do and it was to the point I just wanted to go to the ER. I couldn't do anything and I felt completely defenseless... completely weak... completely in too much pain to pray or read my Bible.

those moments molded me the most.

it wrecked me the most for His Glory.

it's changing this heart of mine.

The worst moments of it all... 3 in the morning rocking back in forth in nerve pain praying to get through it saying Isaiah 41:10 over and over in my head... the treatments where I just prayed the whole time "Jesus just help me not to cry I don't want to cry. make me strong"... and the moments when everything kept getting worse.

Jesus was showing me that faith isn't always something we can see.

He was showing me sometimes He is up to something bigger.

My Bible was my refuge. There are notes all over my Bible of my heart crying out. The moments when my faith felt paper-thin were the times that Jesus began to mold me the most.

Some of you are going through CRAZY hard things right now. My heart just breaks. Seriously just breaks my heart and I cannot even begin to think how you are making it. But, this is what I want to encourage you with... that I remember being at that place. that place of totally feeling incompletely inadequate.

I want you to just remember this... that you are loved. Jesus is FOR YOU. Jesus is not against You. These things that are hurting you are part of something bigger. All of this is for a better ending. You'll see... You'll see.

Jesus is reminding me all the time of these moments. These moments when I realize how greatly and deeply I need Him. these moments are molding me. There is good for those who love God <3

He's rending my heart. I have so much to learn so much to learn. It made me cry to know that Jesus' heart breaks when we suffer. Those times when we are hurting and hurting... He calls us to cling to Him and be empty and HE will fill us up. He is the strength that we need. He is the holiness that we desire. These moments of suffering are so painful but there is beauty.

All of this... whatever you're going through... as I close my last post written on this chapter in my life about struggling with my injury and as Jesus opens other new and exciting chapters, I want you to be encouraged with.. just maybe just maybe...

He's teaching you how to fly.

may He gently calm your heart with His soft whisper that

You are loved.

I am not against You.

I am up to something greater.

I'm teaching you how to fly.
I am Here with You.
There is greater things here than You can even dream.

I thank Him who has given me strength.
- 1 Timothy 1:12

when everyone else is partying.

2012-01-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

When I was in the airport last weekend, I was reading my Bible. underlining... writing notes... book after book. Philippians. Galatians. Ephesians. 1 and 2 Thessalonians. Got home - 1 Timothy. Just reading reading reading. All the way home from school today, my heart was praying, "God just change me... make me different.

It's sure been hitting me lately how so many of my friends are off partying, changing, going after the world... kids I've grown up with, kids I just met. I don't go to a Christian school and I see stuff. I saw stuff last semester in the hallways, I hear people talking about life after death, demons... it sends me to my knees. I realize just HOW MUCH of a battle we're in. I want to be different.

One of my friends I haven't seen since last semester came up to me during lunch today and I got up and gave him a hug. I miss these people so much!! Right after, my phone rang and it was one of my friends from church. I answered and she was just crying and crying. She was in a car accident this past year and really messed up her back and is going into a treatment today where they're putting all these needles into her back for an hour... she was so so so scared.

I just fell back into my chair and my heart broke. We prayed together and we talked for a little bit until I had to go. Also today, one of my sweet friends from 4-H is my partner in Psych. I love her to death and talking with her about how to deal with our research project since we are Christians... just all these things. God is changing me with these things. I am realizing just how much every every every single day this is not about me. This is not about me and I am just an instrument.

So lately, I've been really thinking about what it means to be salt and light. I spend just as much time with non-Christians as Christians. I realize how much time I need to be in the Bible not as a duty but because my heart needs it and I desire it. I need it. I want it. When I am in the Bible and reading and reading, I do not want to stop. I just want to relentlessly pursue GOD... His LOVE is so strong so strong so strong. I'm starting to see what David means in Psalms by my heart longs for Jesus. It's changing me. <33

I got a text from a girl I just love so much that I haven't heard from in a really long time... she asked me to pray... told me how she took a knife to her Bible.. just how much she is struggling with God really hearing her. I realize just WHAT A BATTLE we're in. It's changing my focus. I just want to be a person filled with prayer. I just want to pray more.

There is this boy in my Psych class and he was homeschooled as well and just by LOOKING at him you can tell he is different. You can tell he loves God. He just GLOWS Jesus. He is always smiling, always respectful, always full of encouragement for people and I can tell he is always praying. It totally just makes my day to be around that. Jesus is doing something in this generation and it's changing my focus.

I've been praying for a long time for wisdom.. wisdom on how to be a friend, how to love, how to share Jesus... but I realize now in reading the Word that Jesus is calling me to trust.. I'm praying that He will lead my steps. Death is beaten. Jesus is alive. Freedom is here. Freedom is in Jesus. I want to take that to the world. It's changing me. It's changing my focus.

Lately, I've been realizing how I just don't have a desire at all to listen to bad music anymore or party like a bunch of people I know. Jesus satisfies and is CHANGING me. This desire that burns in me is to show Jesus. to live Jesus. to be like Jesus. it's changing me.

As I was praying on the way home about allll of this, a song came on the radio that I have heard so many times. For some reason I really listened to the words and I totally just went "oh my goodness. woah."

haha it was one of those

knock my socks off moments.

I want to share it with you all. It's what is on my heart. It is what is playing in my mind. It might be the senior year of high school and so many people I know are fleeting away down paths that destroy... but this is the prayer of my heart. I've bolded the things that really stuck out to me the most...

And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(Chorus)
Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

I am the wandering son
Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go

these are the verses me and Val are memorizing right now... it's really encouraging me. reminding me what matters - to keep going - to keep loving on people... and that this is NOT ABOUT US but about God.. this power is from God.

it's beautiful to be an instrument for Jesus. <3 I need God I need God I need God I need God I need God I need God.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. //2Corinthians4:7-12

collecting moments.

2012-01-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Things around here have been crazzyyy.

For the first time in four months, I've had time to breathe. But, school is in full swing and I'm up to my neck in homework. I just got back from Georgia late Sunday night and left for school 7:15 AM Monday morning. But in the hustle and bustle, in the insaneness and no break, I realize this...

how important it is to collect moments.

//to text people
because Bible verses
remind us it's not about us.

//that country music marathons from Nashville to Chattanooga, cloudy days, and time with my parents are the best of all.

//smiles that cannot be wiped off at the reunion of cousins and best friends.

//laughter in board games.

//how it's already turning green in Georgia. nooot fair. We still have months and months of snow in Colorado left.

//the still and quiet.

//faces that we love and hearts that we are thankful for.

//battlefields and little places that are treasures.

//old bookshops.

//parcels and everything nice.

//walks across old walking bridges.

//humid cold January air on the river front.

//memories.

//little places.

//late-night treats.

//the road to my college <3

//ice cream.

//dressed for church.

//brand new rental cars as a bonus.

//old shops.

//these little moments

not things...
but collecting moments.

it's changing my focus.
and me.

<3

growing this joy in me.

2012-01-18T18:25:00.001-07:00

so lately, I've been realizing that,

don't talk about it.

be about it.

I have all these kids playing through my head. I pray for them. I want to be there for all of them. I would take them each out to coffee once a week if I could. I want to pray with them. I want to read the Bible with them. I want to love on them. But, I'm just me. little me. little me.

I've been seeing lately more than ever how it's important to stand up for what is right even when it means standing alone. Jesus calls us to let our light shine. I want my light to shine so much. I've been seeing more lately that I'm awake, alive, so blessed. I just need Jesus. He is oxygen to me. Without Him, even one moment begins to break me down... eating me away. There is such beauty in His Joy. But then I think. oh goodness haha I'm just little me.

I've been reading through 2 Corinthians. I finished it this morning while I was blow drying my hair before school. I didn't have a chance to take my pen out and mark it up so I'll be re-reading it again :) God has been showing me so much. Guess most of all He has been showing me that He calls us to live in His Love. Paul has overflowing joy. I want joy like that. As I read deeper, my heart just whispers, "all I am is Yours God"

and I want that. Jesus sweetly breaks me. gently changing me. growing this joy in me. spreading this peace in me.

this weakness.. is the beginning of humbleness. I never realized that before. When I realize just how I am so little. God is so big. I am NOTHING without Him. It humbles me greatly... and shows me this.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

//2 Corinthians 4:7

what beauty. what love. what sweet grace. Jesus is showing me not to talk about this love but to be about it. It is transforming this heart of mine. I realize this abandon of my heart into Jesus' Love is the best of all. It is not about how much I love... how much I pray with and for these kids... all these things I need to do... but be growing in God. Because Jesus shows me once again that it's not about shining so others see me. but that others see Him..

that is my greatest desire. <3 I want to love mercy, walk humbly... and be free in His Love. These prayers are not my duty but my desire. Talking to God is like telling Him the breathings of my heart... even though He knows all of them. Jesus is changing me. gently changing me. <333 He's growing this joy in me.

Jesus is greater than anything.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

-- building 429

bigger plan than I have for myself.

2012-01-17T15:19:00.001-07:00

I am so encouraged sometimes to sit and think that Jesus has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself. His Mercy is so great. He is my Forever. My God is enough. Lately, I've been realizing that enough part is a GREAT deal big. My cup overflows. Without Jesus, I am nothing. completely nothing. These past few months of school, preparing for a national 4-H competition, leadership, ministry, violin, rarely a night at home, crazynessss, I've seen how great my dependence on God is. Because without God? I'd be banging my head against a wall hahah. <333

But, in the quiet place, when I am praying when I am driving... like yesterday. playing worship music not wanting to listen to anything else. just wanting to praise God. and pray.

I realize over these past few months just how much God has stolen my heart. He gives me more than what I need. He overflows my cup. And as I was driving, I couldn't stop smiling. I realized I have never been this happy. this complete. this joyful.

my cup overflows with Your blessings..
psalm 23:25

I've been realizing that in the point of weakness, God is my victory and He is here. With my arm/shoulder injury, my head pain and all my health struggles, I've only had a month and a half of intense practice of violin for this college music audition this week. It's come so far and I am ready for this... buut I'm asking for prayer.

so, I'm flying out to Tennessee tomorrow and driving down to Georgia for a big music audition on Friday. I have a bunch of college appointments and meeting department heads and then spending the weekend with family (I am MOST excited about that!) My audition is at 3 PM EST on Friday and can you all pray? You guys are the best prayer warriors! Thank you for your emails and Facebook messages. They encourage me so much. I am so humbled and don't deserve such love.

Plane rides always flare my shoulder back up but I know God has this too and I haven't been on a plane for six months so hopefully it will be good :) I am so blessed and so full of joy and peace. I was so freaked out about all of thiss

and now I realize.

in this.

that I need God so desperately.

He is my Rock.

He hears His people when they cry to Him.

He calls me not to fear but to be filled with joy.

Jesus came so that we may have life..

LIFE. He is this HIGHEST delight of mine. I am resting in that.

He gives peace

and He reminds me

keep calm Jess

oh how He loves.

His Plan for me is bigger than the one I had for myself.

praying that God would overflow your cup with love
and peace and things that only come from the beauty
of Jesus. He is what satisfies. may He just rock your
world with overwhelming joy in that.

p.s. - this sweet boy turned 10 last weekend :)

the littlest things.

2012-01-15T20:24:00.002-07:00

lately, I've been realizing just how incredibly thankful I am for life.

[via]

the little things in life that I so often forget and look past. Lately, I've been thinking of the little things... catching up with friends, treasuring the last week of break (even though life has been crazy) and texting people, my ministry kids, people I haven't talked to in a long time, receiving reply letters in the mail that send me dancing around the room and cherishing little moments before school starts back tomorrow. One of my best friends got baptized, playing board games, hot chocolate mix always being used no matter the time of day, and the perfect cup of coffee. Texts that say, "DRESS WARM tomorrow.. it's gonna be freezzing" and sweaters and skirts with flannel tights and fingerless gloves. Spending time with my brothers, watching Say Yes To the Dress with my sister, laughter with Daddy, hilariousness with Mama. <333 the little things.

[via]

it's country music and the songs that make us laugh oh so much. it's your teenage brother who comes over at breakfast and hugs you for like five minutes just because he loves you (which for a teenage guy at 13 is pretty awesome). the littlest things. it's being missed. it's nicknames... when a little kid draws you a picture. it's fresh baked bread and coming home after a formal event and being able to hear someone's voice in your head when you read a message. It's making someone who looks sad smile, meaningful hugs, sound of rain-drops on umbrellas, watching people you love sleep softly, and when the DJ plays your favorite song. it's camo and camo duct tape and trucks and diesel trucks and everything country.... the things that make my heart smile. the little things.

i've been realizing just how blessed i am.

just how full my heart is.

just how much joy Jesus is.

every breath that I breathe.. I am absoultely in love.

not in all these things, but because Jesus is mine forever.

and that is greatest of all.

that's what I've been thankful for lately.

#howaboutyou

a chance to be a living testimony.

2012-01-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

//Jeremiah 20:7

"Then I said, "I will not make mention of Him
Nor speak anymore in His name."
BUT HIS WORD WAS IN MY HEART LIKE A BURNING FIRE
Shut up in my bones:
I was weary of holding it back,
And could not.

God blows me away all the time. Seriously, I stand amazed so much. One of my bestest friends in the entire world Lex and I were talking on the phone tonight. Lexi is amazing.. I can't even explain! I love her heart for God and it blesses and encourages me more than I can say. Well I got an email from her with this verse in it..

which is CRAZY because I just saw this verse the other day and thought

woah.

Then Lexi sent it to me. She then went to say she just finished Romans. I just finished Romans. She said how much just has been learning and what's she been learning. It. was. the. EXACT. same. thing. that I have been learning. God blows me away once again. But I've been thinking more about my life lately... just what I want to live for, want to be known for. The more and more I pray, the more and more it burns in my heart that I don't want it to be me.

God's been reminding me that every day that I wake up is not an ordinary day. It's not a day that I just wake up, run around 140 miles per hour getting things done, how much I read my Bible, or how much I love on people.. it's a different focus than that. It's realizing that every day I wake up is a chance to be a living testimony. It's not about the things that I do but what He has done for me. Not about thinking "gotta do this today gotta do that. cannot do this" but instead realizing this....

[via]

sweet child.

realize that. Jesus has written your name on the palm of His Hand. How much differently does that change your focus? I know it changes mine... because I see in a deeper more beautiful way that it's not me. It's not about me trying harder or being good enough.

It's about knowing I am broken

and not worthy

yet Jesus takes thought for me.

there is overwhelming joy in that promise. there is an overwhelming burning in my heart. I am weary of holding it back. I cannot.

because Jesus has done far greater things

than I can imagine.

I want to live as a living testimony...

not trying harder..

not being perfect..

not being good enough..

but instead - being reminded

Jesus is all I want

all I need

my everything.

Not shining so others see me...

but that they see God.

//that is my desire.

a chance to be a living testimony.

it's changing me forever.

i rejoice in this divine romance.

2012-01-13T09:04:00.001-07:00

I was practicing violin this morning... and my hands were freezing. I couldn't move my fingers fast enough. Tears just slid out of my eyes and I blinked them away. I turned away and looked out the window and took a deep breath and prayed. and prayed some more. Winter break will start for me as soon as school is in full swing One more week one more week. My head pain is back and I know it's not related to stress because last weekend, there was far more stress at a national competition than preparing for a college music audition and school starting Monday. . It has something to do with the cold weather and I just have been discouraged. I woke up this morning and my head was so bad I just walked upstairs and went straight to the medicine cabinet to grab emergency meds (which I have only used twice.) I am so tired and having a hard time sleeping because my head is sensitive and it's just so complicated. It just hit me how totally selfish I was being. SO SELFISH. so selfish. and that was why I was crying.

After this next week, the rest of my senior year won't have any biggg things to do. big stress. just coaching meats (which I am really excited about) and school (which I enjoy actually). I can actually get together with friends, focus on ministry, spend the weekends with my family. I am so excited about that!!

why. am. i. worrying. and stressing out.

It's crazy because there is this battle going on.. my heart is so full of peace and yet my mind is like "OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! YOU ARE CRAZY!!!!!!! THIS IS INSANE!" and I realize that I just need God need God need God need God need God.

so I pause

and I close my eyes

and I open my heart

and I pray..

and I realize once again

how Jesus is reminding me

that in these times, HE is showing

ME that He is enough..

in the craziness and stress.. HE is doing so much.
He has taught me so much
so much so much that I wouldn't trade for anything.

The Divine romance of His Love is an ocean flood.

so deep. changing my heart. it's filling up the room.

And at the moment when I realize

that I have nothing to give,

only to trust..

there is peace and more love than I can explain.

It lifts my heart and my hands

my voice and my song.

sets my heart to ringing..

my smile bright..

and I see once again

how God has ALLL of this.

<33333

why oh why am I looking at myself for strength?

Jesus is enough for me.

//so encouraged.

that's what God has been showing me lately. Whatever stress and big things are going on in your life, remember that. :)

relentless love.

2012-01-11T21:54:00.002-07:00

I was on the phone with one of my dear dear friends tonight.

We were catching up on life.

missions trips. school. guys. friends. ministry. church. all of it. How merciful the Cross. We are praying together... for kids, about life, for the future... and it's totally refreshing. The thing is, we started going back and forth with name after name with kids that need Jesus.

and it broke our hearts.

name

after

name.

//Jesus we need You so desperately. change us and use us.

I just realize so much how much I want to be consumed with the Creator instead of the things created. My friend and I have grown up together and as we have grown even closer over this past year.. we've been learning so much of the same stuff - it's been CRAZZYY. We talk again and it's like all we can do is nod and say "YYESS THAT'S ME TOO!!" God is so awesome like that. I realize once again that we just need God so much. A mighty fortress is Jesus Christ.

//Jesus keep our eyes on You. Keep our hearts on You.

name after name.

burning in our hearts.

name after name.

//Jesus keep our eyes on Your Mission. A Mighty Fortress is Our God.

and I realize that in this,

I lay down my life.

I surrender my heart.

I lay down my plans.

I surrender my dreams.

And I love Him with all my heart.

I focus on those names..
and pray for these people
that need Jesus.
that need His Love.

and pray that this Love that has so desperately changed my life
might relentlessly take over theirs forever.

//that is our prayer.

|| John 10:10

my heart bleeds for them.

2012-01-10T16:24:00.001-07:00

Do we hear their crying?
I just want to be real.

The music from the orchestrafilled the room. Beautiful notesmelded together into song. Ilooked at the people around me. Somany eyes filled with pain. Somany eyes filled with sadness. Ihappened to look next to me. Herlegs had huge slices cut out of them like a machete had been taken to herthighs. They were so deep. They were healed but so deep. It cut my heart like a knife. Thosecuts had purposely been put there. She covered her legs every week after that. Her face screamed out for acceptance. My heart bled that night.

See, another kid from my localhigh school overdosed yesterday. All the changed profile pictures on Facebook of another girl whocommitted suicide a few weeks ago, all the kids struggling with a car accidentthat took a seventeen year old boy three months ago, and the sweet girl lastweek, so outgoing and crazy popular that everyone loves that shared with mejust how bad she is hurting in ways that no one could even imagine from lookingat her… it’s crazy. One of thekids at my church the other day was hanging out in the hallway during SundaySchool and I was talking to him, inviting him to youth group... one of theoutcast kids and my day was made. Iwished I had all day to just sit there and talk with them. All these kids have a place in myheart. God’s been showing meso much lately just how much I lack love. I need more love.

I’ve been busy training for anational meats competition, flying out for a big music audition, my finalsemester of high school, volunteering at the local hospital, getting ready tocoach the new meats kids, spending as much time as I can with my family, anhour drive one way to my church and 4-H is keeping me busier than ever… butthese kids, their texts that have me praying for them countless times when I amdriving places - it’s changing me. I greatly need God. I want to be a lighthouse.

When I’m praying for kid afterkid after kid and after a while, there is no change. It gets hard and easy to get discouraged… and I was readingthe Bible and I just started seeing how Jesus encourages us to keep going.<33 He was rejected. He wasturned away. But, I also see Godworking. I see Him at work. I’m watching lives being changed.. notme not me. BUT GOD working.

And it’s enough to leave me withtears in my eyes.

Like when my meats team wanted topray with me before our national competition on Saturday. Like when one of my ministry kidssaid, “I just want to talk about God. Your God”. When one of themtexts me and says “So it’s been one year today since I stopped cutting.” When another says, “I have been able toeat today without throwing up. Mystomach is allowing food again after all that time of me trying to starvemyself.” It sends me to my knees. I need God. I need love. Iwant more love.

I was on my way to pick up mybrother from school yesterday and just praying these kids, I just realized moreand more and more… I need more love. I care so much for thesekids and as I pray for more love, I just want to be real. I want to be fully transparent.

So yesterday, I called up one ofmy ministry kids to chat for a few minutes, I talked to another one for acouple minutes during her lunch break today, I popped two letters in the mailtoday, and there were so many hugs at 4-H last night it made my whole week. I love these kids so much. I realize just how much when I startedout I wanted to be their friend, I realize just how much I needed them… and howmuch God is using my prayer for more love to be answered through the people theworld would cast aside. They aretreasures.

The world is casting aside theoutcast… those who are beautiful in their own way, made by the beautiful handof a loving Creator… why are we standing back? Jesus calls us to go into the world, be a light, and love onpeople. How else will we share HisLove? That is what I am learning. The world is holding them at arm’slength and Jesus calls us to go in and pull them into our arms. I guess I have just realized inthe past year just HOW SHORT life is. We don’t have much time at all. In fact, sometimes we only have one week with these kids, two months,twelve …

Because maybe even one hug, onesmile, one text can save a life. In Jesus, we are absolutely loved. The Gospel tells us we are valued and significant. There is meaning to life and truesatisfying joy. He is in control and therefore we are safe and secure. That is what they need to hear…

That is what we need more of.

I only have one life that I’vebeen given. I want to bedifferent. I want to love more… Ionly got one chance to make a difference.

That is what I am learning somuch. I am praying more thanever. My heart burns thatthey are saved.

“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”
// John 17:25-26

reserve national western champions.

2012-01-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

what a crazy last couple of days..

We only got a few pictures because of the fast-paced schedule but here are a few from our week. Losing the champion title by 11 CLOSE points in a tight run for 1st and 2nd place, we came home with Reserve Grand and a national title at National Western Round-up for Meat Judging! Thankful for my team (Sydney, Taylor, and McKayla) and hundreds of hours of intense studying that bonded our meats family together.

thankful for the sunsets that remind us
to take a deep breath even when there is a ton
of pressure and stress.

thankful for the fun times

of the fellowship of friendship.

thankful for the relief after finishing a mentally exhausting
day of judging and coming back to a hotel filled with
people that we got to know.
for a fantastic fitness room in our hotel
where we ran on treadmills next to each other
talking..
all the sudden working out became 150% better.

thankful for the people we met
and the people we won't forget.

thankful for the awesome judging teams

that ate breakfast with us,

had an ice fight with half of our team last night,

and never ceased to keep us laughing.

thankful for pictures that make us laugh
and for reminders to take a deep breath
no matter what level of competition we're at.

thankful for the overwhelming feeling of wanting to scream
when our teammate got a perfect score, a scholarship,
and highest award overall individual.

thankful for breakfast bars back in our hotel

after the worst breakfast of our lives.

thankful for coming home with a Reserve Champion win
and the best coach in the entire world who has pushed us
harder than we thought we could do, who believed in us,
and who never gave up on us. can't wait to hopefully bring
home the National title coach in October in Kansas City!

thankful for attempted self-timer pictures..
even when there is a TV in the way.

and for pictures that exactly describe our team. <3

thankful for friendships
that will last a long long time.

thankful for laughter

and the bond of sisterhood.

thankful for awesome eleveators

in the best hotel ever.

thankful for places to drop our luggage before heading up oodles of stairs.

and most of all,

above all,

greater than everything -

thankful to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...

who showed me a ton these past ten months of meat judging, starting from scratch and in two contests being at the national level, being completely overwhelmed, learning what strength is.. not in me,

but only in Him. I've learned so much this year that I will never forget.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
|| Isaiah 41:10

it is well with my soul.

2012-01-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

oh my goodness.. life is running at 140 mph right now. I'm heading out for a National level meats competition, come back and go straight into last minute prep for a college music audition, and school starts back up. I feel like winter break will start back up after school starts.. hahah <333 I was so tired I was in bed by 7 last night! In the crazyness of life, I've been realizing this...

credit: tumblr

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ² Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, ³ because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
⁶ Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹ So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. ¹⁰ For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

¹¹ Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. ¹² We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. ¹³ If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. ¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

So last night, I just stopped everything... started praying. reading my Bible.. praying some more. I have so much peace in my heart. God has ALLLL of this. so awesome so awesome.

now outside for 10 minutes in this beautiful 70 degree weather before we leave...and realizing more JUST how great God is. how well it is with my soul. and no matter how stressful situations are - God is always greater.

praying that God would just bless you guys with a fantastic weekendreminding you of His Love and His Mercy and His Peaceno matter how crazy busy your life is.

<3

burning on my heart.

2012-01-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

¹ Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. ² Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. ³ And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. ⁴ The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. ⁵ For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶ For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit offaith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

// 2 Corinthians 4

credit: tumblr

i need more love.

2012-01-02T21:49:00.002-07:00

I need more love.

I need Jesus. I just need God. I need more love. My heart has been really thinking and praying about outreach lately. When I'm working out doing my core workouts and my body is screaming at me while running getting back my muscle after these injuries, these kids come to my mind. I keep praying. I need more love. I need Jesus. I just need God. It burns in my heart so much. I'm driving down the road. I'm sitting in church. I can't go ANYWHERE or do anything and ministry isn't burning in my heart. God sure is laying it on my heart.. I just need more love. I've been having a really hard time with that. I know I have a problem and that problem is me. I need a servant's heart.

I have such a desire to be with kids and pray with and for kids, share Jesus with kids.. oh my goodness the biggest trial to me right now is that I wish I had a big van where I could pick up 15 kids and take them with me to youth group. Haha. <33 but I realize just how much I need love. We need love. I've been praying a ton for my leadership team. Been reading John and Romans... just finished both and I realized that WAY more. It's changing my relationships. I need more love.

The other day I was at Costco and I had just finished a head treatment, my sister was getting contacts and I was running over for something to drink... so I was putting lids on three drinks and randomly looked over while carrying over the straw trash.. and I saw one of the girls that we had just helped with in ER the other day... one of our attempted suicidal kids. She was taken to rehab and I remember God just putting her on my heart. It was so bad that they wouldn't release her and an ambulance took her instead of her family. She had bright pink hair and there she was. My heart just totally started rejoicing that she had made it out of rehab.. she was laughing with her family. It made my whole day. haha. <33 And it just reminded me again.. I need more love. There's kids in my life like this and I don't need to go to the ER to get to know them. I have names that come to my head without even having to think more than 3 seconds. I need God.

Then this girl in my youth group the other day told me that if it wasn't for God and me loving her, she would have taken her life. Love stopped her from taking her life. I almost lost it.

There's other people that by circumstances, totally things should have taken us apart. But, by God's Plan - He has kept them.. and I realize that plan for that now. The voicemails left on my phone. The texts. The messages. It's all God. I need more love. I need Jesus. I lack love. I am so convicted.

So I'm praying a lot more..

and praying with kids more.

and praying more.

and keeping reading my Bible.

because God keeps bringing John 13 to my mind. It goes like this.

I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

"When you die, there’s going to be a tombstone. It’s going to have your name, it’s going to have the year you were born, and it’s going to have the day you died. In between, there’s going to be a dash. And that dash is going to represent everything that you did in your life; good and bad. It’s how you’re remembered. What do you want your dash to represent?" -Tim Tebow

and on mine?

I want to live a life that says:

"she loved"

I need God so much.

this is my prayer. <33

goodbye 2011.

2011-12-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

my last post of 2011. crazzyyyness right there. 248 posts. 365 days.

Memories. Memories. Tears. Laughter. Overflowing Joy. Struggles. Pain. Lost loved ones. New life. An incredible journey. Traveling from Colorado to Central America to the Rocky Mountains. Treatments, specialists, chronic pain. Children's Hospital specialized specialists, tests ran, MRI's. Learning what it is to be dependent on God, what it's like to feel weak, the moments when all I can do is lay there and pray and breathe. Pain levels I had never experienced before that took my breath away like knives in my head.

And yet, so many blessings... ministering to people in La Ceiba, Honduras for eight days and not wanting to come home, being on the senior high leadership team and church and learning so much about ministry and how much I need to learn about being a role model, friend, sister, and daughter of Jesus, an amazing youth group that I just love love love love, time with my brothers that I spent this year more than I ever have, the late nights with my sister and how we watched every single I Love Lucy episode made over the course of this summer. Thankful how God brought our meats team to win the state title and we're going to a national competition next week. I'm playing the violin again (which is truly incredible) and better yet, I'm flying out next month for a college music audition (which 6 months ago seemed totally crazy). Being able to go to youth camp this summer, community college this fall, ACT's and SAT, college aps, preparing last minute things for being a senior, ministering to freshman and sophomore girls, being a big sister to freshman and sophomore boys, more coffee trips with kids than I can count, the power of prayer, long phone calls, voicemails of non-Christian kids asking me to pray for them, my adopted siblings who are spread from California to Nebraska to Virginia (Josh, Valerie, Lexi). I am blessed beyond measure. I have the best graduating senior class, the best school... I am so unworthy of all these gifts. Thankful for our calf crop this year, our market steers selling out faster than we could get order forms in, my incredible family and parents, grandparents and extended family... thankful for the afternoon group at co-op, Ben and Peter and Jonathan (my three adopted bigger than me bros that I would do anything for) and for Danny and Allen and all the others. All of you have become so dear to me. I have truly been humbled beyond words at how God has worked in lives this year.

A mighty fortress is our God... a refuge is His Name. He is in unshakeable. That is what I have learned this year. I cannot comprehend His Love and His Mercy. My God is exalted and high above the heavens and forever forever He is worthy. I will keep my eyes on Him. My cup overflows. I realized this year just how much growing up I had to do, how much I had to learn, how much I still have to learn and how great of God I love. His Kingdom is unshakeable. With Him, nothing is impossible. A mighty fortress. <333 I got a new Bible a year ago this past Christmas and in twelve months, it is falling apart... it is well loved and the pages are marked up with love. It has begun to change me from the inside out. Our God is a consuming fire.

As I write this, the last few hours of 2011 are slipping away quickly, never to return... only to fade away to memories. I am so humbled by God's Majesty. What is there to say but how I love You God. How merciful the cross God.

I saw this year just how totally insignificant I was without Jesus. I wanted to touch lives but without God, my actions would profit nothing. I couldn't get people on fire for God if I wasn't myself. So, I began to just dig into the Word and learn more about God... pray more, pray more... and I need to keep praying more. I realize every day just how great is God's Love and how great of a sinner I am. But I realize that there is freedom in Christ. It's not about me, all about God.

As I look at 2012, I pray that God would mold me to be the servant. I want to be the least of these, to be humble, not about me, all about God. I want to have great humbleness and love that is on fire. I want to have open arms and outpouring love. I don't want to be the same as the average teen. I want to be on fire for God... totally on fire. I never want to reach that point of finally being on fire, but always seeking God - being relentless about my pursuit because God's ways are greater than mine. I pray that I would have a heart filled with compassion, that I wouldn't let a crazy schedule get in the way of praying with my hurting kids. I need God so greatly. I pray that God would take away me, change my heart, and use me as platform to share Him. He is my desire. He preserves my heart. I seek Him. and I realize that

I want deep water faith. <3

No more shallowness..instead as Jesus calls us to dive in where hurting people are the most, spelling LOVE with time, caring for the hurting by loving on them with God's Love and prayer. Maybe it's even paying for the person behind me in Starbucks. It's running after that girl in 4-H and giving her a hug. I am praying that God would open my eyes. My heart is willing but my flesh is weak and I just need God. I desire God. I want God. I need God. I need God. I need God. <3 And I see the difference... it's a beautiful feeling. It's freeing. It's not a duty anymore. My heart overflows with this.

In 2012, I know God has every single detail totally planned out...

if it will be a year of harvest or pain I don't know.

but I trust God.

because my God is greater here than before. He is better than dreams, bigger than suffering, peace during fire, encouragement in pain, and defender in battle. That is what I have learned this year. Who is like the Lord? The Maker of the heavens. He dwells with the poor and lifts them out of ashes and seats them with princes.

annnndd as a side note, recovering from injuries, you can be thin, but I want to be more fit.. so I'm getting back into intense workouts like I used to and boy - it's hard. haha. But, it feels good and my goal for 2012 is to get in tip-top shape, run a 5K or two, hike a 14er or two before I leave for college, and maybe a backpack trip with my best friends and family. To keep eating healthy, keep up my protein intake, and keep working out more. (and out of three 4-H projects, two include fitness.. I'm seeing a pattern. haha)

I'm looking forward to 2012 to be a year of learning... I can't wait to keep growing in You God. He provides what I need. Through all the treatments, all the tests, when I would be crying inside because of the pain, God never left. He is greater here than before. My heart is full. <3 My Bible is falling apart because of this past year and with that, my heart is full and learning. Mold me as a servant. Fill me with love. Less me. More You. More Humbleness. I am lost in Your Beauty. Take my life.. all my plans... everything I lay in Your Hands.

why am i worrying?

2011-12-30T10:18:00.001-07:00

I was driving early this morning, playing music, praying before another meats practice. We go to a National contest in a week and it's been intense. With my head pain, I've been just trusting GOD. Truth is, I was so scared because I was trying so hard myself instead of trusting God. It was making my pain worse, I was so stressed out.. so stressed out.. freaking out. haha. it was a mess.

So, the last couple practices, I've been reading my Bible before way more, praying a ton, just not worrying because God has it. My scores have gone way up. I'm where I need to be and I know I can get even better... working towards perfect scores. I have a week still. I can do this - because God is my strength. My heart is so much more peaceful. I don't have to worry anymore. In fact, I am actually enjoying it more haha! When it's not about how I perform, but that God is in control and going to help me and I know that, I just take a deep breath and it helps helps helps me. When my head gets terrible, I just pray and I know God has a plan. Such love God such love. SO ENCOURAGED. My head has been doing better and the meds have been working. I am so thankful. I just have to take the meds on time and be diligent with keeping on eating healthy, drinking tonnnss of water.. I feel better, have more energy, and I'm in the kitchen baking and baking. I have energy to do things again. And I feel alive. My head is working again. It is clearer and I have been having times without pain. I was driving home from practice this morning and just smiling so thankful so thankful so thankful. My head still gets bad but my God reigns and is sufficient. He is filling my joy.

All the stress of college aps and an upcoming music audition and only being two months into intense practicing after coming off a serious arm injury.. haha oh my goodness. When I think of the work cut out for me, I used to get so so freaked out. Then, I look back and see where God has totally carried me through all the ACT's.. the SAT.. state finals.. why am I worrying?

I go back to head treatments today.. Nuerotension treatments which are by far the most painful treatments of all I've been through. It's kinda funny because when I was in treatments for my arm and biting my lip and praying through treatments, I used to think "at least this is in my arm.. because pain above my neck is so scary to me. I am so scared of having these treatments in my head" and now look.. haha God has a plan<33 they have figured out that the problems with my head pain is related to my arm and nerve tension in my neck and head.

I am going in for those treatments for my head and I am not afraid because I know God is with me and I have prayer and there is so much peace and love from HIM in my heart. I am no longer afraid. Competitions, praying about if I should go back with the state team next year and then prayerfully to Nationals while I'm at college, all these things, I'm not worried anymore - because I trust God...

I'm finally learning what that means. I get it. There is SO MUCH peace in that. I have so much more joy. I'm not stressed out or freaked out or worried. I know God is walking with me and carrying me and going to take care of it ALLL.

The mentalness of meat judging, the fast fingers needed even when my hands go numb while playing the violin, GOD IS HELPING ME. I see Him helping me. I'll be going through my scales and my hands are numb and I just can't do it.. and I pray.. and immediately I can just feel God helping me. Why am I trying to do it myself? I just need to TRUST. that is what I am learning.

my joy is full.

and trusting God REALLY does make a difference...

I am weak but He is strong..

and I am strong enough

only because He is holding me.

and I can't stop smiling.

that's what I've been learning this week.

May the God of peace be with you all. Amen.
- Romans 15:33

i must become less.

2011-12-29T22:10:00.002-07:00

He must become greater; I must become less.
|| John 3:30

So we went up to the mountains for a couple days this week... just two days up in the woods, in the middle of nowhere... no internet, barely cell reception, (I lost my cell phone.. haha long story where from now on, it HAS to be ON.. no more silent). But no more about cell phones lost and technology (which the lack of I did not miss :) except for you blog people!)...

but reading my Bible, spending time with my family, my cousins, my grandparents, aunt, uncle, baking, reading my Bible.. I realized this. I need to love on people more. Become less of me, more of God. He must become greater. Have open arms. Bigger love. Greater compassion. Care least about me. Most about others.

And all the sudden all these names started coming to my head.. all these kids I need to pray for, love on more, encourage more... more about them. Reading randomly through parts of John again and again about being a servant and Romans and Philippians and Galatians and Proverbs.

... and that's what I've been learning.

off and running. more later. love ya'll.

merry Christmas.

2011-12-26T07:26:00.003-07:00

be back in a few days..
with snowy pictures
and adventures to tell.
<3

snowed in.

2011-12-22T15:48:00.001-07:00

little things.

2011-12-20T16:50:00.002-07:00

thankful for sweet girls
and big eyes.

laughter and people
that i love so much.

cake on the end of candles.

funny faces
<3

weanlings.

yummy sunlight.

barns.

and reminders of
no matter how busy life gets
I come home and
there are these waiting for me
and reminding me
welcome home.
<3

and my latest
LOVE.

a mighty fortress.

2011-12-19T21:24:00.002-07:00

God answers prayer.

I am so amazed at that today over and over again. Even in the little things - He is so faithful. Over lost meat judging papers, icy roads, and crazy crazy intense head pain.. all of it, God is RIGHT THERE. Love so amazing. His Love contradicts the world.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

-psalm 91:1-2

I am so overwhelmed by this love and crazy love that He has for us. What more can I say? My head is getting worse. GOD KNOWS. Such love. I was just flipping through my Bible tonight and Psalm 91 is all marked up already with notes and underline marks but this got me again... totally awesome. thank you God thank you God. such awe. so thankful.

He will cover you with his feathers,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
   nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
   nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
- verses 4-7

all. of. that. there is none one like God! such love. Reading this, I just realize God is what I need.. He is all I need.. He is what I need. He is what I need He is what I need.

God holds my every moment. He calms raging seas. He walks with us through fire. He walks with us through massive head pain. I trust in Him. I trust in Him so much... and I realize that... He is my Healer. I believe He is my Healer. And I believe He is what I need. He is all I need. He is what I need always. I believe He is my Portion and my strength and more than enough for me. I know He searches my heart and He is greater than my failure.. and I need more of Him everyday. And in this, He will carry me and in this, I am blessed because of this.. The joy of knowing Jesus is greater than anything this world has to offer.

His love is a mighty fortress.

A fortress for the weak.

Nothing is impossible with Him..

nothing is impossible for Him.

I am so thankful

so overwhelmed by this love

and even though this meds aren't helping,

GOD REIGNS

and nothing is impossible

and I trust Him

and love Him more than I did before...

He is greater here than before.
God's gonna take care of me.

I used to be so scared of things that could hurt me, of pain and of crazy things like falling off a cliff [haha even if it sounds stupid, it was legit] or being stuck in a burning car and I realize now that Jesus is enough for me and I am no longer afraid. Because He is greater than this and when I focus on Him, the rest just fades away. There is beauty. I am no longer afraid. I realize how much He is a refuge. what can anything in this world do to me?

for my God reigns.

praise be to God who gives us the victory.

[romans 7]

out of suffering rises strength.

2011-12-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

so the other day,

I saw this quote

out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.
the most massive characters are seared with scars

what beauty is that. <3

"that they may see and know,

may consider and understand together,

that the hand of the Lord has done this."

- Isaiah 41:20

lately, I've been seeking God. I've been working on the "be still and know you are God" in my own life. The more I read the Bible, the more I pray, the more I am encouraged, the more I am filled up, the more I realize I am not worthy, the more I realize that He is worthy. He gently calms my heart and reminds me "fear not" (Isaiah 41:10), the Lord is good to those who wait for Him (Lamentations 3:25), He satisfies like no other (Psalm 73), He knows my path (Job 23:10), He is joy and strength (Habakkuk 3:18-19), He came to save the imperfect (Mark 2:17), I don't need to be anxious about my life (Matthew 6), God calls us to give up everything (Luke 5), He calls us to be servants and serve the least of these (John 13), nothing nothing nothing. nothing. in earth or in heaven in the entire world or under heaven can separate us from God's Love (Romans 8), God calls us to serve Him in Holiness (Ephesians 4), the body of Christ is strong and goes deeper than this world (Philippians 1-4), I am not my own (1 Corinthians 6), God's grace is sufficient for me.. His power is being made PERFECT in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12), I do not do what I want but the very thing I hate because my flesh is weak and prone to sin... but God gives me victory through the cross (Romans 7). Jesus wept (John 11). He weeps with our sufferings and shares our tears. He was deeply moved in His spirit.

What I realize more and more as I seek God

and want more of God

want to love God more

is I want God to be more and more and more than everything to me.

I am weak

but He is strong.

He is the reason why in pain we smile.

In confusion, we understand.

In betrayal, we trust.

In fear, we continue to fight.

Because we are not alone.

SUCH LOVE. So overwhelmed So blessed So full.

In suffering.. out of ashes.. out of what seems like crazy situations.. strength arises. Jesus is here. There is fullness of joy.

One day, all of this will made well. All of this will be made clear. No more suffering no more pain no more crying. God understands.

So I was just randomly thinking about how sometimes when the pain is the worst and some of us who struggle with physical pain every day and some of us when you saw us in walking down the street you wouldn't know... how some days, when we are the most joyful.. it's when we are in the most pain. I can't even explain it. It's like when I'm in the most pain, I am the most calm. All of us suffer.. childhood scars, emotional, spiritual, physical pains.. and most all these things you can't see from the outside. I was really just so encouraged thinking about how one day when Jesus comes back alllllllll of this is going to be no more.

no more.

what love God! how even when Satan is trying to hard to bring us down and discourage us with this, God is raising out of ashes and suffering, STRENGTH and beauty and a dependence on God and relentlessness that just wants Him that we desperately need. When situations seem impossible, God is greater than the impossible. God says in John 11 that whoever in believes in Him as life and not death. So no matter how great Satan wants to bring crazier and crazier pain, nothing is impossible with God..

and I'm beginning to see that..

THERE IS JOY in this. there is joy.

This humble place of just seeing there is no way I can do it without God, this is beauty. There is strength in this. I am learning that. Such love God... so overwhelmed by a greater plan that I am beginning to see. <3 in this chaos there is safety in Jesus.

And what I'm realizing how much I need God...

just how much I want God to search my heart. If there is anything that is keeping me from God, that He would just take that away... because honestly I just want God. I want God so much and there is nothing in this world that I need greater than I need Him. He is what satisfies.

He makes beautiful things out of us.

out of suffering rises strength

out of suffering rises dependence on God

and in that,

Jesus reminds me - there is nothing greater than me.

You are safe and secure inside my grace.

I am so full and so encouraged and so so so so so blessed.

the harder this pain gets, the greater my joy grows.

so blessed. thank you God.

For the Lord is able to make him stand - Romans 14:4

p.s. - that big red spot is just a random swelling and it's okay.. the picture makes it look a lot worse than it is! haha

christmastime

2011-12-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

where i belong.

2011-12-17T13:16:00.001-07:00

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

I have this blessed assurance holding me
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You
|| building 429

listen up.

2011-12-16T15:17:00.001-07:00

my head hurtsssss.
it's starting to really hurt and I was in a lot of pain last night
goodness haha I was laying in bed trying to go sleep
and it was hurting too much to even try and concentrate and go to sleep..
and so I was just laying there
praying...
<3

this pain is beautiful.

it has me thinking

I realize so much it's like God telling me

"Jess listen up listen up"

I'm laying there and my body is hurting hurting

but my heart has THIS CRAZY PEACE

this crazy peace that just fills my soul.

I know it's enough.

I want my love for Jesus to be relentless.

I realize that not everyone in this world has that crazy peace...

and God keeps reminding me "Jess listen up.. I love you SO MUCH!! this pain is because I love you so much.." my heart is overflowed. what love God. my faith is just growing up. what deep love God. I've been convicted lately of how much I lack prayer.

I need to pray more.

I need to pray for people more. I am convicted of that. This pain reminds me of the crazy hurt in this world BUT the way bigger thing than that is there an even CRAZIER God that loves us loves us loves us with so much love.

It shook me up the other day when another girl took her life at one of the local high schools in town. One of my good friends texted me asking me to pray... she said "we need all the prayer support we can get right now.. we need prayer" Bullying and criticism she got led her to take her life... I didn't know her personally.. I saw her picture and the first thing I thought was "oh my goodness she is beautiful" I guess it really just made me think about how I was loving people. Because you have no idea how even one hug and smile could save a life.

So, I realize just how much I lack prayer and love...
but without God, my actions are going to profit nothing. So lately? My prayer has been this...

that God would clear out anything that has gotten in the way of Him..
that I would be listening..
that the small things like hugs and cards and loving on people could actually be the big things..
that I would be a servant full of love full of love..
and that my love for God would be relentless.

For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.
|| john 13:15-17

I don't want to live a life that is accepted as normal or good
but radically changed on fire for Jesus Christ.

I relentlessly want to pursue God

with a heart always focused on Him

not on me

As Jesus is reminding me "Jess listen up" I realize God calls us to a greater calling than what I've been living...

and I want to be even more radical

cold december day.

2011-12-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

a glimpse of my day...

thank you God for Christmas break<3

|| what have you all been up to? can't wait to share so much more fun and love with you!

such love God.

2011-12-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

Jesus answered him, "What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand."

|| John 13:7

how beautiful. Such love God. Thank You God for this Love. If I'm not walking or sitting.. If I'm standing, I feel like I'm going to pass out. The waves of pain come with each heartbeat. Each time my heart beats, it rushes through my head and over my face like a wave. I woke up at 2 in the morning last night and my head hurt so much and my heart was SO FULL of peace. I know God is with me. what can be against me. nothing can be against me. nothing can take away God's Love from me. not this pain. nothing in this world can take away God's Love for me. such love God. I realize God never wastes a heart ache. He never wastes pain. He uses pain for reasons greater than what we can understand. Such love God.

God is my victory
and HE is HERE.

So when I feel like I'm going to throw up, I rock back and forth and my heart is full of peace because I realize that this is enough. There is so much joy now. Even if it hurts to eat, even when breathing hurts... Jesus is so much love. so much peace. so much joy. there is no way I could even begin to create this crazy peace and love that is in my heart. It's all God. there are no words to describe it.

and waking up from resting for two hours and feeling okayyy and just knowing that

nothing

this

world

can

get

the

way

God's

Love

for

me.

not this pain. nothing nothing nothing nothing. SUCH LOVE GOD.

my heart is full. thank you God.

my God is the God who Provides.
so I am here with heart abandoned
to the One who gave it ALL for me.

that's what is on my heart today.

such love.
<3

the varnish peels away.

2011-12-12T14:26:00.003-07:00

So yesterday, I was driving and then all the sudden, my legs just starting going numb. It's a side effect of meds I'm on for my head... sometimes it's fine and then other times, it can be really scary. They started getting super shaky and I couldn't keep them steady enough to hold down the brake. So I stayed in the slow lane while my sister and I began praying and praying. It was crazy just in those moments of knowing there was nothing in my physical body that could control the shaking or numbness how hard I tried. I was just praying and praying SO DEPENDENT ON GOD because He was only what I could trust and rely on.. what a beautiful place to be... such love He has. I would stop for a split second and go into park at the light so I could stop without messing up my transmission. oh my goodness. it was so scary! but God was so much there. I just realize in life... those times when we can't control the car because our legs are numb.. we don't know if we should lean down with our hands to brake the car because we don't have any other options... in those moments of being not able, God is able.. and He is enough. He got us there safely. Got us home safely again. All that driving later.. helped my legs gain feeling again.. what love He has. <3 so much love.
In those moments of how He gently reminds me of how this world is fading away quickly and yet He is in control. He gently loves us. He gently holds us. What love.

God has been teaching me so much this semester about trusting Him during pain. It has been crazy! We had this big performance last Friday and on the drive there, the pain just started racking my body. Even my teeth hurt! [I mean really? hahahaha] So the last few miles before there, I just closed my eyes and I was praying... "God... I just feel so weak. How in the world can I stand for choir when I feel I can barely walk? How can I be strong when there is nothing strong in me? Be my strength Jesus.. because there is nothing strong in me. There is no strength in me that can carry me. I rely on You... so just help me.. You are with me God. I know it.. so be with me now... and help me just to trust and be filled with You...." and I just felt the peace of Jesus in me.. and I knew it was going to be okay. I didn't feel okay but GOD WAS SO THERE. My heart was SO full of joy and peace and comfort.. so much comfort.

I realize in those moments
of feeling I have NO control
when all my safety is stripped away,
God is there greater than before.
I know I trust God. I love God. I fail God.
but I want to trust God more. I want to love God more.
I want lean on God more.
God is there greater than before.
such love.

Earlier this semester, I was talking to a bunch of some awesome people at the one day a week school that I get to go to for one class real quick [and the rest of my siblings go to full time]. I love these kids... their hearts. I have watched them just fall in love with God more in this past semester SO much and it has blessed my heart more than they will ever know.   Anywayss... one week, we were talking about being real, being genuine, being authentic.   How somehow there's this hidden thing that seems to yell out "IT'S WRONG TO BE YOU. WHAT YOU LIKE IS WRONG. IT'S WRONG TO BE YOU. JUST ACT LIKE YOU ARE PERFECT" and we were talking about how that's starts to kill inside. Just pretend nothing is wrong. Just act like nothing ever happens at home. Just pretend your family is perfect. And yep - your life will be good. ;)

guys.
it's a lie.
and you know it. we know it. we all know it. We were talking about how hard it is to live like that. There is no joy in a life lived like that.   When we get in a group of people and we start thinking, I wonder what they think of me, I should stop talking, I should back up now, I am talking too much, I wonder what they think, I wonder if they like me, I shouldn't have said I watched Twilight, I should just shut up now. Man their lives seem perfect. If they only knew half of what happened at my house. I only wish I was popular. but I can't ever say that. oasdpoaljsdkndgjasd.

hahaha.
okay so half way through this conversation, we all started laughing. We all looked at each other and realized what we were saying and we started laughing. I mean it sounds so stupid but the thing is it's real.

Because when we try and have it all together, try and be perfect, put on the face, try and be holy, it starts putting on this varnish. We can get real good at putting on the varnish... the more varnish.. the more varnish.. the more varnish... It looks good, but we feel awful. God has been teaching me that in those moments of realizing we have no control, that varnish peels away. It peels away to reveal that we are real. We are authentic. We are genuine. In that, there is so much joy.   The varnish does nothing but paint on fake. I need more moments like yesterday.

God is greater here than before.

such joy.

thank you God
<3

such love.

2011-12-11T08:03:00.001-07:00

a preview of the last couple of days...
can't wait to share them with you!

my cup overflows.
such love God!

idon'tfeelgood.

2011-12-08T08:56:00.001-07:00

I just tried to leave a voicemail for my violin teacher and I could barely talk. hahaha.

first day on these new meds is not off to a good start and I feel so terrible.. my body is hurting.. so much.

there's nothing strong in me

except God.
He are peace.
calm my heart Lord.

whatever you're going through today, I'm praying for you guys... God takes us down beautiful roads of suffering for great purposes. The riches of His Love are ever found there. Praying for strength for each of you..

there is rest.

2011-12-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

school. finals. schedule. busyness. busyness. intense preparation for national roundup. people text me and want to hang out... and I feel so bad because I can't usually do things last minute. preparing for a big violin audition.

asdkajsdasdasdlasdg.

and this is what Jesus has been showing me...

that there is rest.
there is peace in Jesus. there is safety in His Arms when my head pain gets severe every day. He's fighting for me. He crashes over me with a wave of Love and Mercy. In that, there is joy. So much joy. so much joy. so much joy.

so I took 20 minutes instead of studying for finals -
went outside when my head was really bad
ran around and jumped in the air,
laughed with my brother (who know fits in my first big kid pair of overalls),
watched this year's spring calves munch on hay,
and just took a moment
to cherish joy.

"He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever."
-Psalm 136:23

that's what I'm learning.thank you God.

joyful patient faithful.

2011-12-04T22:05:00.001-07:00

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
|| romans 12:12

make me like You God.

consume me from the inside out.

<3

mold my heart to be a servant.

2011-12-02T20:21:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how when life is going great, we kind of get side-tracked and forget. We forget just how faithful God is... how deep is His Love... how great is His Peace. Maybe it's just me... :) I'm a tough ranch kid who hunts, rode rodeo horses, turn calf tables during branding yet I am so weak. The other day, my sister had to put her arm around me just so I could stand and sing at church. I'm just not strong enough. but with my whole heart, I know God's holding onto me. I'm nothing without His Love.

Haha I felt like a baby today. I was at the doctor's today seeing another specialist (I lost track but specialist #6 or 7). After he looked through the 13ish page report he had us fill out with every question you could imagine, he asked a bunch of other questions and mom did the answering. My head was so bad it was really hard to talk. He then asked me if I wanted to add anything and I tried to just say, "I don't think so.. except this has just affected every...." and tears just started sliding down my face. hahaha. I apologized but he totally understood. He's used to seeing pain patients.

I just realized how this affected things that I really want to do, like listen to a sermon and be able to really really understand and read my Bible more and more... but it was a freeing feeling because I realized that this is weakness.. and God is greater.

All the people that think I am strong can see that I'm not. <33 In that, my soul sings praise. Jesus just GLORIFY yourself through me in this! so that the world may see this is NOT MY STRENGTH, it's YOURS. It's all You. You are my strength.

Just that thought set my heart to singing. Because I realize just HOW MUCH joy there is in this. Jesus is fullness. He is joy and more joy. When we were going around the table at Thanksgiving, it got to me [and of course someone always starts crying haha and of course it was me. haha] and I just said, "God just really used a lot of broken dreams this year.. and I have never been this happy or content as I am now..."

I'm convicted as I've been reading through John and Romans. I've been just seeking God but I need more and more of Jesus. Because I don't want to be someone who just has joy in trial, I want to be on fire for Jesus in trial. I don't want to be the same old Joe just lived and died in the same place. I want to be living SO much for Jesus so it makes a difference. I don't want people to remember me... I want them to remember God. God is greater in me than what my physical body is! I want to be full of prayer... always always talking to God. In this head pain, I find myself talking to God so much and then when I have a break from the pain, I realize how those beautiful times of prayer aren't as regular.

Sometimes God doesn't calm the storm... instead He calms His Child. He won't leave you. He will catch you and carry you. That thought just humbles me so much! I just see SO much lately that in this, my cup overflows. Jesus' grace is an overflowing ocean into my heart. In weakness, I see the beauty of being the servant. In the least of these... when people look at me and think I'm crazy because you can't see this pain from the outside and some people think I make it up. That's okay... because JESUS KNOWS. In the feeling faint and sick to my stomach and my head just hurting and hurting, God is greater and greater and greater the worse it gets.

I'm just seeking God and seeking God. I want to just be overflowing with this crazy love He has poured out on us. There is so much joy in this!! There is so much peace and overwhelming comfort!

And so I'm just praying and reading and writing and learning more about God... and this is what I see..

- I need God. I need Him every moment of every day. I'm completely dependent on Him.

- I need to be always thinking of others... because this love and peace that God has given my heart is just flowing out... and I need to share it with people. It's not about me.. all about God.

- I want to pray more... pray all the time. completely. just trust on God every minute of every day. He is so faithful.

- I don't want to be a Christian in name... I want God just to flow out of everything I do. I want to be always full of worship. so in love with God.

- I want to make a difference. I don't want to live this life God gave me in vain. even if this pain lasts forever... that can be a greater area in which God can be glorified in things I cannot see.

- I'm starting to see it now... how God had a beautiful reason and so many more other reasons in letting this happen to me. I don't always under His Wisdom but I trust His Plan.

- In suffering, strength arises. It develops a heart dependent on God.

and most of all - my heart is abundantly grateful.

I want my life to shine louder than this little blog.

and God - please just shine areas in my life that need You.. crash into my heart. Awaken my heart. Make me the least of these. Please just draw me closer and deeper and more in Love with You. Change me. Take away idols and overflow my every part with You. Give me a courageous heart. Thank you that no matter how many times I fall short, You are ALWAYS greater in me. Lead my steps to everlasting. Without You, I cannot do anything. I just need You. My heart seeks You Jesus.

and mold my heart to be a servant's. <3

arms are for hugging.

2011-12-01T20:37:00.001-07:00

There is ice in Colorado in June.

This year at youth camp, our group went on a hike in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. However, most of us were in shorts... and it was ice-packed. Slipping and sliding everywhere. It was all fun and games until one of our girls fell up to her waist in snow. We couldn't get her out and all of us were digging and digging. [and they made fun of me for bringing body and hand warmers in my backpack. hahaha. IT WORKED.] When we got Hannah out, it kind of sobered us all up that we needed to be a team. All of us were just trying to do it on our own and we were failing. We weren't helping each other. We weren't being a team.

So, we started a chain. Everyone grabbed the hand of the person in front of them and the person behind them. We walked across the ice using each other for balance. People would start to fall and we would lean forward pulling them back up. It took a while.. we still had some people go down.. and take three people with them. :) But, we learned that together - we were stronger. We weren't so prone to falling on our face. In the steep places, we would go in small chains. When we got to the bottom, we realized that as a team - we made it faster, more efficiently and most of all - it bonded us.

It's like life.

That is what we started talking about... never thought about it before.

But if all of us just try to go alone?? we slip and fall. We fall on our face and up to our waists. We can't get out alone. But as a team, we keep each other accountable, help each other up, and care about others more than ourselves.

I'm a hugger.

anyone who knows me knows that. Guess I have a hard time with words but the way I show my love for people is with my arms. I saw a sticker on one of the nurses lockers today at the hospital that said "arms are for hugging"... totally made me smile! So much of the time I don't have the words to say... but I hug.

Like two of my guy friends, just like brothers to me, who the other week, saw me come out of class because my head was hurting so bad and came and asked me how I was. I said I was bad.. and they said "well let's pray.. right now" and they just right there started praying for me. Oh my goodness it totally just touched my heart so much. They're really really tall and so I wouldn't have to stand on my tip toes, they bent down and hugged me. They are the sweetest.

When I got to school a couple weeks ago and my Spanish partner came into class almost crying. I asked her what we was wrong and she told me one of her friends had just passed away. I just tackled her in this hug. We didn't say anything.

I realized whenever you see brokenness and hurt - people don't know what to do and they hug. I started thinking about that and it's kinda funny. I mean when you think about it.

When we were standing in the line at a coffee shop at youth camp, three of guy friends from youth group who are two years younger me but bigger than me just hugged me all at once and I felt like a mouse hahaha "GUYYSS I'm in here!!" I love them.

The kids in FFA that I love to death and Pipi who picks me up and swings me around in circles.

Group hugs... where everyone's arms are around everyone in a circle. Sometimes we pray like that. When we were preparing for our Honduras trip, we made a big circle and prayed in a chain.

I realize just how much I love that. The laughter and hugs everywhere. Sometimes people just needed to be reminded that they're loved...

and there's no better way to do that than with your arms.

The most beautiful thing lately that I've been learning is that we don't walk alone. We need each other. The ride has greater blessings and joy and so much laughter when you're walking with the people beside you.

so grab the hand of the person behind you and in front of you... hug someone today... and be reminded that you're loved..

by God

and by others.

<333 love ya'll.

i wanna know You God.

2011-11-30T20:41:00.001-07:00

I was driving earlier on my way back and forth from school.. when I was in class.. and just praying. Seriously - I want to pray more. I need it. It always ALWAYS just fills my heart to talk to God. Because being with God is where we belong and sometimes, just being in His Presence is all I desire. In that quiet place of knowing God is in control and beautiful and refining us.

And so in the crazy thinking of randomness, I see how much most of all, I desire a servant's heart. A heart that is humble and always just full of God... oh, I fail all the time and I realize that tons and tons every day haha. But, the more and more and more I just spend time in the Word and with God, I realize how much He is hope and love and faithful when we are so unfaithful. That beautiful redemption that we don't deserve pushes us to want and love and serve Him more.

I want a heart that just overflows God...

and in that, it breaks my heart to move my hands and feet.

there's so many people that need Jesus... so many people that I know... that I love.
the kids that God has opened doors to talk to about God recently.

and so instead of rambling more...
this song came on my iPod the other day...
and I thought
"YES God! this is it"

Dear Jesus,

make me a lighthouse

filled filled filled filled and overflowing with You.

draw me closer.

Mold my heart.

I can't get over Your Love.

You are my forever.

Just today
I heard a story of a pastor far away
Who watched his church walls fall with the rain
With tears in his eyes
Here is what he had say
"Let's reach the ones that will rebuild this place"

I wanna know You like that
To live, to love
With everything I am
To give it all
I wanna know You like that
To become
A man after Your heart
And not look back
I wanna know You like that

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know...

Like David did
He lived a life this world cannot forget
He'd fall so hard then get back up again
Then face the giant knowing he would win
Because You were with him

I wanna know You like that
To live, to love
With everything I am
To give it all
I wanna know You like that
To become
A man after Your heart
And not look back
I wanna know You like that

With every breath I breathe
I wanna help others see
And I will never stop
'Til everybody's singing

With every breath I breathe
I wanna help others see
And I will never stop
'Til everybody's singing

I wanna know You like that
To live, to love
With everything I am
To give it all
I wanna know You like that
To become
A man after Your heart
And not look back

I wanna know You like that
To live, to love
With everything I am
I'll give it all
I wanna know You like that
Lord, to become
A man after Your heart
And not look back
I wanna know You like that

I wanna know, I wanna know
I wanna know, I wanna know
I wanna know You like that

I wanna know, I wanna know
I wanna know, I wanna know
I wanna know You like that

more than a sparrow.

2011-11-30T08:54:00.001-07:00

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

- Matthew 10:29-31

how beautiful is that... totally just came into my mind tonight while I was listening to this...

God - You're awesome.

nothing else I need.

2011-11-29T15:42:00.001-07:00

When I think of all I've seen nothing
Compares to what You give
And to drink of what you bring you quench
The thirst for me to live

I am satisfied by what tenderness You've
Shown to me and I empty all that I am

And You fill my life You're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know You are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore

I have tasted and I know this fire birthed
Inside will only grow and I've sought all that
This world tried to offer me and it lead me
To Your feet and I empty all that I am

And You fill my life you're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know You are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore

I will lay down all my needs and You will
Come and make them new
To make You my only desire my desire

And You fill my life You're everything to me
And You fill my life You're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me and
There's nothing else I need anymore
There's nothing else I need...

|| jeremy camp

these promises we hold tight.

2011-11-28T22:29:00.001-07:00

[pictures:weheartit]

strongg.

2011-11-27T20:12:00.001-07:00

I've felt super weak today. This pain is wearing my body down. I've been having nerve pain for over two years now, but this pain in my head is worse than any of that. I started doing so much better, my arm is tons and tons butter, but I've been sliding backwards.

I've been having tons of nausea and I just feel light-headed and faint. I feel like my steps are shaking and I'm having all these weird side pains and pain in my left foot. All these new symptoms and my strength is failing. People tell me "you're so strong to go through this... I couldn't do it"

and thing is - I'm not strong. I was trying so hard not to cry during church today. I was sitting down when everyone else was standing because I was so light-headed and I couldn't even sing a line because it hurt to take a breath.. and I was trying so hard not to cry. I was just hurting and hurting and I felt so weak.

I give my life to follow
Everything i believe in
Now i surrender

Savior he can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

(mighty to save - hillsong united)

and then I realized..

that where I was at... was a beautiful place.

because I'm not weak.

I'm dependent on Jesus.

I'm fully and completely dependent on Jesus.

I'm dependent on Jesus when I walk. I'm dependent on Jesus when I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dependent on Jesus when the pain in my head is ice cold and sharp. I'm dependent on Jesus. I've been praying so much that Jesus would just FILL me with Him. That He would break my heart so that it moves my hands and feet...

aaannd I see it now. that God is answering that prayer.

not in the way that I would have thought... I mean all this crazy pain and feeling sick and we don't know what's wrong. because GOD KNOWS!!

It is beautiful that I am weak! because when I am weak, every single moment - I realize how much I need Jesus. I can't do it without God. I know I am weak... but I know that strength is from Jesus.

and in that beautiful place of hurting... there is rest. So all the kids that are weak in their faith or that don't even know God that are praying for me and asking me why God isn't answering... I see how God is up to something bigger. He is my strength.. and I am weak.. and that strength in me is JESUS.

and I don't need to handle it by myself or try and be strong.. instead I can be weak.. because God is strength. It is sometimes hard to think and I feel like I'm out of it... but I know with God all things are possible. He is faithful. so so so so faithful. It burns so brightly.. I see it so much. This pain may be getting worse.. but Jesus is my forever. and He is answering our prayers.

so all these times when I just feel fragile and even when the medical person that I've been seeing for the past three weeks doesn't know how to help me and is sending me to someone else... Jesus is so much greater. He is strength and peace and love and faithfulness.

who is like the Lord?

there is none like Him.

no one satisfies like He does.

i'm overwhelmed by this incredible peace and love that doesn't make sense... how this pain can be so crazy and this blessed assurance has my soul.

and my heart is at a beautiful place..

because I realize

it's okay to be weak.

in that,

He is strong enough.

because with JESUS, nothing is too hard.

so Jesus, please give me the strength to SHINE You this week. It's not about me... it's all about You. Please just fill me with YOU. bring YOUR LOVE to life instead of me. For the ones that don't know You love them.. send me to them. help me to ENCOURAGE others this week and love on people. give me strength for these big tests this week and for all studying for finals in a week... I trust You Jesus and I wait on YOU. my cup overflows in You. break my heart for what breaks Yours. Grow me in this trial and as You take my hand, guide me into righteousness. You make me whole. You say I am blessed because of this.. thank you Lord... <33333 my cup overflows. You are enough. You are my strength. Overflow my heart. I rest in You. My heart surrendered.

thank you Jesus <3333333333

I'm praying for you all this week... may God's just mighty wave of mercy and love crash over your life.

they will walk and not be faint.

2011-11-26T20:25:00.001-07:00

^{Isaiah 40 -}

¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
   says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
   that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
   double for all her sins.

³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
   the way for the LORD;
make straight in the desert
   a highway for our God.
⁴ Every valley shall be raised up,
   every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
   the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
   and all people will see it together.
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”

   “All people are like grass,
   and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
   Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   but the word of our God endures forever.”

⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
   go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,
   lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
   say to the towns of Judah,
   “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
   and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
   and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
   He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;    he gently leads those that have young.

¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?

¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.

¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
¹⁹ As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
   and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
   and fashions silver chains for it.
²⁰ A person too poor to present such an offering
   selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
   to set up an idol that will not topple.

²¹ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.

²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

<3333333333333

joy.

2011-11-25T17:43:00.001-07:00

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

-- C.S. Lewis

my cup overflows.

2011-11-23T17:06:00.001-07:00

He leads me beside still waters

and through me the valley

so I am not afraid. He promises

that His Love is near.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving... that day of the year set just to be thankful. The grocery store was packed last night of people buying turkeys, green beans, stuffing, potatoes, breads, pies... they were so busy the meat department guy came running out with another turkey in his arms for a waiting customer. The atmosphere was cheery and full of life. I love people watching. :)

But more than all of that, it's looking back at what God has done through the past year. We always go around the table every year and everyone tells something that they're thankful. No matter what, someone always starts crying.

This year, I'm especially grateful. I guess the older you get, you realize how truly special and precious life is. In the past twelve months, pain has racked my body. So many specialists and appointments and treatments. In fact, I had another visit with the specialist I've been seeing for three weeks and if things don't improve by Monday, he is going to send me on to another person. He doesn't know and understand why I keep getting worse.

But, this year - I am more thankful than ever because I realize just how grace is falling like rain and peace is sweeping all around me like a wind. My heart is so content. Jesus is nearer than I can explain. I begin to see how the things that are hardest in our lives are the best things that could ever happen to us.

I love God so much. He knows all my ways. The times I fail, when I hurt... He knows it all together. Wherever I am, He is there. I can never run too far. How beautiful is that.

The people that went on to be with Jesus this year, the tears of missing those who are no longer with us... Jesus is a comfort. He is with those who love Him.

Finances, other health things in our family, selling my favorite horse, putting away the violin, all these things - I saw God provide. He knew it all together.

For my family whom I love so much. I have watched God knit our hearts closer together this year more than ever before. Finding notes on my pillow from my siblings after treatments, the brothers that tackled me when I came in the door from school, walks with my sister, runs with my littlest brother.. daddy's leading our family and his laughter, mommy's strength and the times she so often said when we went from specialist to specialist - "God will provide. It's okay. He will take care of us" .. for a warm home filled with smells of homemade cooking and ranch work.

For my church family... whom I love. My leadership team and my Honduras team that have stretched and grown me. My youth group, my adopted brothers and sisters, the laughter.. oh the laughter that have had us crying.

For the so many things I have learned like how we are never alone because He is with us always.

For the answered prayers.. when God said, "not right now" and when He said "yes". The nights of nerve pain that woke me up at 2 in the morning, the countless times spent in the Word that He used to encourage my soul..

For prayer.. for driving to school and praying to Jesus like I would a best friend. How Precious are these times to me. Jesus is what I need and as my heart seeks Him, I see this more and more. He is my strength when my strength fades away.

For baby cow kisses and Carhartt overalls..

hot cider and hugs..

.... and how God has fueled my faith through circumstances that are hard.

He knows it all together.

my cup overflows with blessings.

I have so much to be thankful for.

thank you Jesus.

You are sufficient.

My joy is full.

i wait on You Jesus.

2011-11-22T21:08:00.001-07:00

my head hurts a lot. It gets to this certain level and then it just goes straight down hill. I can't think straight and reality kicks in. But once again, Jesus takes my hand and leads me to safe shelter. He comforts my heart. He is stronger than anything this world can explain. He is my Hope and strong tower. He never grows tired or weak. He always hears my cry. The times when my pain is the worst, it helps my heart the most to just thank God... for who He is.

and so right now,

my heart is whispering with joy..

thank you Jesus for Your Love..

thank you for being everything

when I feel I am nothing..

thank you Jesus for grace..

thank you for calming my fears..

your mercy is great.

thank you Jesus for choosing me,

even though I am unworthy.

You are Holy.

thank you for strength..

thank you Jesus for

knowing me better than

I know myself.

You are every breath that

I need. Thank you

for giving me life.

Thank you for being all

powerful

and true

and noble.

thank you for hiding me in

Your wings and carrying all

my worries.

thank you Jesus for filling me up

and wrapping me in your peace

in ways I cannot put into words.

thank you Jesus for fighting for me,

defending the weak,

and renewing my heart.

thank you for blessings you just pour

out to me through your Word

and your people.

thank you for being worthy,

for freedom,

and hope.

thank you for being the treasure

of my heart.

thank you Jesus for never forsaking

me and for never casting me away.

thank you Jesus that it's not about

me and all about You.

thank you that I don't have to try

and please other people

because You are greater in me

than me who is in the world.

thank you for stealing my heart.

thank you for overwhelming

my soul with Your Glory Jesus.

thank you Jesus for giving me what

i need.

thank you for being faithful.

thank you for your plan for me.

and thank you that my time is now.

thank you for a heart that seeks you.

thank you for never giving up on me.

thank you for being my forever.

thank you for being my light.

thank you Jesus for moments

of worship

that push away all pain

and suffering in this life

and show glimpses of the

life to come with You forevermore.

thank you for showing me

how you work in ways

greater than what I can see

and for the tiny pieces of your

plan I start to see

and how it leaves me speechless.

thank you Jesus for your

promises.

thank you for being able Lord.

thank you for being the potter

and molding the clay.

thank you Jesus for the perfect

peace in my heart

when my mind is stayed on you..

because I trust You.

thank you for being a rock

that never moves.

thank You for trial

and for allow suffering

so I can see

how you are so so so

totally and completely

faithful.

I love you Jesus.

there are no words to say.

my heart is full.

I'm trusting in You.

outreach night.

2011-11-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

lots more pictures coming..

they make me laugh.
and i love them.

#thankful

lead me.

2011-11-21T19:49:00.001-07:00

#awestruck.

filled with such love and such peace and healing from Jesus. He does not put out a faint heart's light. He gently pulls apart scars. He knows my heart better than I know it myself. But most of all - He fills.

The mirror of me that I held up as a facade, the walls that slowly began to slide down, and the overwhelming beauty in seeing how much Jesus loves unconditionally changed my heart. When we're being pulled apart and taught things through painful circumstances, I see Him the best. He is such a strong tower... I run to it and am safe.

Jesus just satisfies. I can't even explain. God calls us, loves us, brings us home, and never forsakes us. He has open arms even when we are unloveable. He just pours and lavishes His Love on us amidst our mistakes. In that place of knowing how much I fail and how great God's Love is.... it just pushes me towards a heart wanting to serve and give Him everything. He has searched me and knows me. He knows when I fall asleep and when I wake up. He knows when my head pain is bad and when I fall. He knows when I get discouraged and when my heart is overflowing.

He is faithful.... so faithful. totally.

God comprehends my path
and my lying down.

He knows it all together.

He has laid His Hand on me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me.
It is high.
I cannot attain it.

Your Right Hand shall hold me.
Even the night shall be light about me.

Marvelous are Your Works
and that my soul knows very well.

search me and know me Oh God..
see if there is any wickedness in me
and lead me to everlasting.

How Precious are Your Thoughts
to me God..
if I should count them..
there would be more in number than the sand.

-- psalm 139

burn me brighter for You Jesus.
I need You every second of every day.
mold my heart...
search me..
lead my heart..
and I worship.

that's what i'm learning.

how about you?

your Hand shall lead me.

2011-11-19T16:32:00.001-07:00

^<3333

^{thank you Lord.}

^{romans 8}

¹ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

⁵ Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. ⁸ Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

⁹ You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. ¹⁰ But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. ¹¹ And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

¹² Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Present Suffering and Future Glory

¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

and neither can nerve pain.

my heart is so full.

I will trust You.

psalm 139

2011-11-18T17:46:00.001-07:00

Behold Oh Lord
You know it all together...
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me..
It is high.
I cannot attain it.
You are there.

Your Hand shall lead me.
Marvelous are Your Works
and that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from you.

How Precious are Your Thoughts
to me God..
if I should count them..
there would be more in number than the sun.

<3333333

search me and know me Oh God..
see if there is any wickedness in me
and lead me to everlasting.

gently calm my shaking heart.

2011-11-17T22:13:00.001-07:00

I'm totally completely and fully with everything dependent on Jesus. I am so overwhelmed and filled... so filled with His Love.

Jesus defends the weak and fights for us.

You are my forever Jesus

the love of my life

you are my Beloved.

Part of having a blog is sharing your heart.
Actually - that's kinda what having a blog is for. I really want a blog that is transparent... that shows really what I am.

not who I make myself to be

that I really am not.

and so honestly?

I broke down the other night. Valerie and I were talking and we both started crying. We were driving

and while she was talking about nerve pain... just how God's Love is so big.

tears started sliding down my face

and the tail lights of the cars in front

of me started to get blurry.

because i understood.

I started crying

just to realize that Jesus interceads for us.

that His heart hurts

when we suffer.

Val and I were talking about
the beautiful reminder of hope
that even though we don't know
when this pain will end
or when doctors will find answers...

Jesus is lavishing and pouring out His Love.
And there are tears
because Jesus satisfies.

When I'm weak and in pain
and I'm hurting, Jesus' Love is the
greatest. It leaves me so humbled.

I am so dependent on You Jesus.
He's working in my heart.
When there's no more words to say,
I just wait on You Jesus.
You've stolen my heart
Lord.

And I trust in Your ways
because they are better than mine.
You are totally and completely
faithful.

My heart seeks You.
You use weakness
as a megaphone
to shine You.

my heart is surrendered.
my heart is full.

this heart will never be the same.
You give me what I need.

I just need You so much.
You are my Hope.
You satisfy.
You are peace.

I'm anchored in You.
You are always near to me.

thank You Jesus.
You make my cup overflow.

You whisper gently
and calm my shaking
heart.

overflow me with You.
Your mercy is so great.

whatever all of you are going through,
just want you to remember Jesus
is in control.
and He loves you so much.

a place of refuge.

2011-11-15T21:59:00.001-07:00

this chapter totally just blessed

my heart.

Val and I were reading it this

weekend and were SO

encouraged and full.

John 6

¹ Some time after this, Jesus crossed to the far shore of the Sea of Galilee (that is, the Sea of Tiberias), ² and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the signs he had performed by healing the sick. ³ Then Jesus went up on a mountainside and sat down with his disciples. ⁴ The Jewish Passover Festival was near.

⁵ When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” ⁶ He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.

⁷ Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”

⁸ Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, ⁹ “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”

¹⁰ Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). ¹¹ Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

¹² When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” ¹³ So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.

¹⁴ After the people saw the sign Jesus performed, they began to say, “Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world.” ¹⁵ Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.

Jesus Walks on the Water

¹⁶ When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, ¹⁷ where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. ¹⁸ A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. ¹⁹ When they had rowed about three or four miles,they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened. ²⁰ But he said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” ²¹ Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

²² The next day the crowd that had stayed on the opposite shore of the lake realized that only one boat had been there, and that Jesus had not entered it with his disciples, but that they had gone away alone. ²³ Then some boats from Tiberias landed near the place where the people had eaten the bread after the Lord had given thanks. ²⁴ Once the crowd realized that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into the boats and went to Capernaum in search of Jesus.

Jesus the Bread of Life

²⁵ When they found him on the other side of the lake, they asked him, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”

²⁶ Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. ²⁷ Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”

²⁸ Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?”

²⁹ Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

³⁰ So they asked him, “What sign then will you give that we may see it and believe you? What will you do? ³¹ Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written: ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’”

³² Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. ³³ For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”

³⁴ “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.”

³⁵ Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. ³⁶ But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. ³⁷ All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. ³⁸ For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. ³⁹ And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. ⁴⁰ For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”

⁴¹ At this the Jews there began to grumble about him because he said, “I am the bread that came down from heaven.” ⁴² They said, “Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, ‘I came down from heaven’?”

⁴³ “Stop grumbling among yourselves,” Jesus answered. ⁴⁴ “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day. ⁴⁵ It is written in the Prophets: ‘They will all be taught by God.’ Everyone who has heard the Father and learned from him comes to me. ⁴⁶ No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God; only he has seen the Father. ⁴⁷ Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. ⁴⁸ I am the bread of life. ⁴⁹ Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. ⁵⁰ But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. ⁵¹ I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”

⁵² Then the Jews began to argue sharply among themselves, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”

⁵³ Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. ⁵⁴ Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. ⁵⁵ For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. ⁵⁶ Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. ⁵⁷ Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. ⁵⁸ This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” ⁵⁹ He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.

Many Disciples Desert Jesus

⁶⁰ On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

⁶¹ Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? ⁶² Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! ⁶³ The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. ⁶⁴ Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. ⁶⁵ He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

⁶⁶ From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

⁶⁷ “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

⁶⁸ Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. ⁶⁹ We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

⁷⁰ Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” ⁷¹ (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)

----

when I feel I have nothing,

He multiplies it

to "feed five thousand".

Jesus is my highest delight.

the grace and peace

that overflows out of Him

is how I want to live my life.

in that place of knowing we fail

and yet Jesus just pours out His

Love to us.

He calls us and loves us

and brings us home,

never forsakes us,

even when we are unloveable.

He gently breaks us

and we see our need

to rest in Him.

In that place,

He is a refuge.

Just makes me want

to love and serve Him more.

In Jesus, we don't hunger

and thirst anymore

for something to

satisfy that longing

in our hearts.

We will never be cast away.

He is life.

The flesh is no help..

and I live because of Jesus.

In that, I am convicted

of my lack of love..

and how I need to just

pour out God's Love to them..

more and more and more.

love changes everything

and without it,

my actions profit nothing.

I just encourage you all

so much to spend time with God..

seek Him.

Jesus raises up what we lack.

and Jesus...

just fill me with YOU.

You captivate me.

I am so humbled.

Your Love changes everything.

God gives us what we need.

2011-11-15T11:32:00.001-07:00

God's Love is crazy
and it just blows me away
all the time.

this past weekend,
the beautiful Valerie
flew out to spend the
weekend with us.

[[which you will see more posts
and more pictures of
because there are a lot :) ]]

in the shuffle of trying
to get out to the door
for a music lesson,
and another specialist,
and getting to the airport
on time - my camera
got left on the counter...

but mama saying,
"THERE SHE IS!! I see her!!!"

and opening the door
and all the sudden everyone
was crying and hugging
and people were watching us.

Valerie had three concussions within one week
just a month before my injury.

She found my blog last Christmas
and left a comment about how
she has nerve pain too.

That's how it all started.

We exchanged phone numbers and became Facebook friends
and began praying together before treatments..
before MRI's..
sometimes we just called each
other and we barely talked..
just prayed
and cried.
our emails got longer.

two weeks ago,
tickets were bought.
Val was on her way.
and we spent the weekend
laughing
and praying
and reading the Bible.

It was wonderful. Valerie is a surfer and lives in California
where it's warm and hardly gets below the 50's...

and I live in a smaller town in Colorado
where my family raises cattle, we hunt,
and our winters are brutal.

God brought us together
all through two blogs
and an understanding
of knowing about
nerve pain.

and in our times of
reading through John
and God would show us

THE SAME THINGS.

our Bible are all marked up

and as we read,

we realized so many of the same

verses were underlined in both

our Bibles.

because God uses pain
and suffering that people
can't see when they look
at us as a way to just pour
out His Love to us..

He uses it to fill us
with joy
and encouragement
and peace greater than
anything in this world will
give.

Not one friendship
or one thing or that boy
or whatever you want to put
in as something that fully satisfies...
they all lie.
they all lie except for Jesus.

He is what fills a heart

with joy..
true joy..

because He is greater than the pain
and the hope that floods over the wondering
how long this pain will last...
how specialists can't find answers for us
and how doctors can't find a diagnosis that works.

the blood work comes back normal,
the MRI's come back okay,
treatments don't give permanent answers,
and yet we are weak
and they don't know what is wrong with us..

and Jesus does.

Valerie got to see cows up close...
and I wish I had a video of the time when one
actually licked her.

We laughed
and she told me
about how big the ocean is
and what it's like to surf.

We went into my tack room
and I showed her my best horse's halter..
pictures of the guy that I loved the most
that I said goodbye to this spring
when my pain was the worst...
and when he
went to a place where he is loved
and ridden often.

Crisp winter breezes gave
Val a glimpse of what winter is like here..

and we came inside for hot cocoa
and a movie where us girls laughed
tonss.

all the inside jokes
where we would say a
word and we started laughing.

we matched for outreach night at my church
in tie-die

and in our hour long
drives down to church,
we sang songs
and drove next to
a man for a ways
that looked just
like Einstein.

and even matching eye-shadow
[p.s. - it's also opposite on purpose]

She saw some
Colorado sunsets

and of course -
no trip is complete
without Starbucks.

we read
and read
and read.

and were filled.

thank You Jesus for the way
You pour out your Love to us
through the Word.

thankful for the freedom
of being able to read
aloud God's Word
without being persecuted for our
faith
in a packed
Starbucks.

we went into
Bath and Body Works
TWICE
[two different malls]
and just went around
smelling everything.

<3

there is so much joy
in Jesus.

cannot even explain with words.

I wish each and everyone of you could meet Val...
[and in heaven - all of you in Jesus will]

i love her a lot.

far from perfect

a greater mission to be these.

texts.

i needed them.

want to live.

in the house of God forever.

every day I spend with you

taught how to fly.

when everyone else is partying.

collecting moments.

growing this joy in me.

bigger plan than I have for myself.

the littlest things.

a chance to be a living testimony.

i rejoice in this divine romance.

relentless love.

my heart bleeds for them.

reserve national western champions.

it is well with my soul.

burning on my heart.

i need more love.

goodbye 2011.

why am i worrying?

i must become less.

He must become greater; I must become less. || John 3:30

And all the sudden all these names started coming to my head.. all these kids I need to pray for, love on more, encourage more... more about them. Reading randomly through parts of John again and again about being a servant and Romans and Philippians and Galatians and Proverbs.

... and that's what I've been learning.

off and running. more later. love ya'll.

merry Christmas.

snowed in.

little things.

a mighty fortress.

out of suffering rises strength.

christmastime

where i belong.

listen up.

cold december day.

such love God.

the varnish peels away.

such love.

idon'tfeelgood.

there is rest.

"He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever."

joyful patient faithful.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. || romans 12:12

make me like You God.

consume me from the inside out.

<3

mold my heart to be a servant.

arms are for hugging.

i wanna know You God.

more than a sparrow.

nothing else I need.

these promises we hold tight.

strongg.

they will walk and not be faint.

joy.

my cup overflows.

i wait on You Jesus.

outreach night.

lead me.

your Hand shall lead me.

Present Suffering and Future Glory

More Than Conquerors

psalm 139

gently calm my shaking heart.

a place of refuge.

Jesus Walks on the Water

Jesus the Bread of Life

Many Disciples Desert Jesus

God gives us what we need.

He must become greater; I must become less.
|| John 3:30

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
|| romans 12:12